Okay, so I’ve been accused of making this column all about me. I could debate that, as I believe there are so many aspects to me that they don’t generalize into anything- but I’ve decided to cave to the peanut gallery and choose a neutral topic. As a reminder, here are the rules. Five rounds on a topic of my choice where there is a pro and con. Coin toss determines who goes first to pick the side. At the end of the rounds, a winner is determined by a disinterested third party, and the Jelly Donut of Victory is awarded.
This month’s topic: Hawaiian pizza vs traditional pepperoni and sausage.
This month’s Donut of Victory: *flips Dunkin’ lid* This month we have a lovely Boston crème donut, which is chocolate covered and crème filled.
Naturally, there is only one person who could do this justice, and Rhage has agreed to assume the mozzarella mantle with me.
Rhage: *bending over box* That is a beautiful donut. I’m hungry. Why did you buy only one?
Lassiter: Well, it’s not Donut(s) of Victory so-
Rhage: *shakes head* You need to think out of the box. Or more like, more in the box.
Lassiter: I will take that under advisement. Okay, so the coin toss results were, I picked heads and I won. Of course I am going for Hawaiian!
Pro (Lassiter): Ham is good on anything.
Con (Rhage): Okay, I totally agree with you on that. But that is not the problem I have with the Hawaiian monstrosity. FYI, if you would have chosen pepperoni and sausage, I would have walked.
Lassiter: You would have quit?! It’s pizza! All pizza is good.
Rhage: No. Pineapple on pizza is an affront to nature. It violates all laws of order. There is no way I can find any argument in favor of ham and pineapple pizza.
Pro (Lassiter): Pineapple is not an affront to nature on pizza. It is ensuring you do not get scurvy.
Con (Fritz): Pineapple is absolutely an affront to nature on pizza and if you’re worried about scurvy, try orange juice. It’s in the refrigerator. Next to the fresh cut pineapple which is NOT on a pizza and is actually quite good.
Lassiter: You are not interested in your health.
Rhage: I am interested in the integrity of pizzas everywhere and that is why you don’t need to fulfill your RDA for vitamin C on a frickin’ pizza.
Pro (Lassiter): Hawaiian pizza is a tropical adventure on a plate.
Con (Rhage): I do not want a tropical adventure on my pizza.
Lassiter: That is prejudicial against pineapple.
Rhage: No, as I said, I like pineapple. I just don’t like it with tomato sauce, cheese and ham.
Lassiter: FYI, you are coming perilously close to small minded imbecile territory.
Rhage: You just watched six hours of Who’s the Boss. This makes you an expert on imbeciles. I believe I should be worried.
Lassiter: *blinks* I think you just insulted me.
Rhage: You want I make a diagram to help you understand how?
Pro (Lassiter): It’s about the taste profile, not the ingredients.
Con (Rhage): The ingredients are the taste profile. So no. Just no.
Lassiter: Have you ever had Hawaiian pizza?
*forty-three minutes later*
Pro (Lassiter): Hawaiian pizza is terrific. Eat it. *holds out slice*
Con (Rhage): I’m not going to like it. It’s an abomination against nature- *takes bite**chews*
Lassiter: You can say it. G’head.
Rhage: *eyes popping* This sh*t is amazing!
Lassiter: *Rocky victory dance* I win! I win!!
Lassiter: Since my opponent has conceded- and is eating all of the Hawaiian pizza Fritz whipped up (to be fair, Fritz was ready as I had a feeling how this was going to go)- no judge is needed and I will enjoy the Donut of Victory- which, once again, is this lovely chocolate covered crème filled one. *eyes Rhage* How you doing over there sport?
Lassiter: Just give me a thumbs up.
Rhage: *thumbs up*
Lassiter: I think this is the best Point/Counterpoint yet! *bites into Donut of Victory* Until next month, eat well!